Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
