I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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