Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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