theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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