so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Randomize
