I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
