i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize