I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
