i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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