i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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