I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Farmville is her only friend.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
