I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
