my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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