Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
