Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
