she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
