I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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