I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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