I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
