my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
