Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
