It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
How does one acquire holy water?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
