When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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