I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
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