she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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