she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
