Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
my liver is dry heaving
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
He has the fingertips of a God
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
