im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Randomize