i think my mom watched the whole time
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
