I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
