I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
