He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
