My liver just broke up with me...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
