The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
