My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Ladies don't puke and tell
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
