the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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