We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
