I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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