Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
