my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
