And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
