so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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