Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
