i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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