so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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