On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
