yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
