fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
