I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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