is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
As shirtless as possible
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
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