Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
