My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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