Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
