So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
