I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
