Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
