You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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