Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
