Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize