Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
