So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
